Monday, October 3, 2011

The Good Boyfriend

Coventry, UK...
October 3, 2011...

Back in the days in the Garden City, there used to be a common phrase amongst the "Pypes" that was rather hilarious. A typical convo would start like this (the translation is in parentheses for the uninitiated:

"Ol boi, u don fool finish" (Dude, u r hopeless)
"Wetin I do?" (What did I do?)
"U mean say u no buy ur malawi anything for Valentine?" (So you didnt get ur girlfriend a Valentine gift?)
"No be so, I dey see my die right now" (It aint like that, I'm broke right now)
"Na u dey carry last for boyfriend of the year" (U r in last place for a "boyfriend of the year" poll)
"Ur father lap!" (This was a basic yab, literal translation, lol)

Dat was in the good old days, when men were still boys and the theory of making relationships work was still a hybrid between trial and error and experience. Fast-forward a couple of years and I really don't know if the world has moved on or if the boys have really matured into men. I've never been of the school of thought that maturity grows with age, there's always an undefined variance to every statistic. I've come across many blogs and articles commenting on the qualities of the "ideal husband/wife". The views have varied from the downright zany to the quite outrageous and impossible, but they were quite interesting I must admit. The opinions reflected different mindsets, the female in sharp contrast to male.

So it got me thinking, how do you describe a "good boyfriend" or "good girlfriend"? I have always been of the opinion that you can't describe someone of the opposite sex simply because if you are not a man, then u can't think like a man. Any views you may have of the opposite sex is generally borne out of either experience, public opinion or your imagination, which is essentially a fusion of the qualities of members of your family or close friends who are of the opposite sex. So I think it would be apt for a guy to describe in his own words the qualities he feels the ideal husband or boyfriend should have. All you have to do is look in the mirror and count them off on your fingers, they don't have to be correct, but it helps if you at least have an opinion, so u don't just enter into a relationship trying to be the "ideal dude" when you have no clue what the requirements are. Or perhaps you've read "what women want in an ideal man", and you believe it as the panacea to all problems, well it depends on who wrote the book!

I've always used Adam and Eve as the foundation for all simulations (lol), don't blame me, they were the first couple on the block. Such love and chemistry, Adam woke up from his afternoon daydream to see a stunning beauty lying next to him, the dude didnt even bother to think, he kicked his dog (bingo) away and proposed right there on the spot (to all the ladies, he didnt use a ring, I bet he just plucked a flower and used it instead, lol). Eve didn't waste anytime either, "yes, I do!" she replied, and that was it! It's a pity she ate that apple, now we have royal weddings and 90 carat diamond rings (lol, I ain't complaining though, I love me some Coco). Anyway, how did Adam and Eve's relationship work? The one and only cue to their relationship that I could decipher was that Adam never said NO to Eve, he gave her everything she wanted, took long walks with her, gazed adoringly at her, and ate that apple with so much delight that it got stuck in his throat (next time Adam, get rid of the evidence!)

So what makes a "Good Boyfriend"? Most women would say, "he should be loving and caring". Let me tell you how the male mind deciphers that statement, loving and caring translates to spending money on the girl. That's the easy part, anything that can be bought with money is easy. Like Remix would say, "if money is the only problem you have, then you don't have a problem". Well, true, a good boyfriend should spend money on his girl, ur heart is where your money is, but thatz just a tip of the iceberg. There are some things money can't buy. Add this to the loving and caring checklist. A good boyfriend should...

1. Act like a real man but at the same time be flexible and submissive. Follow your girlfriend to the mall when she asks you to accompany her. If she doesnt ask, offer to accompany her ONLY if you mean it, there's no use trying to be a nice guy and then spend every second glancing at your watch. Enjoy the ride, she's making an effort to look nice, offer constructive criticism to her style and choices and offer your own views, if you have no clue, google it. It took me awhile to figure out the difference between a size 4 and a size 10, but I'm still a work in progress.

2. Know how to cook and clean. Let's not get into the debate of who should cook and who shouldn't. The bottom line is this, when she is pregnant, you'll have to take care of her, so think of it as an internship. And moreover you shouldn't be dependent on anyone for food. That's my opinion, every man ought to know how to cook, simple. Cook for your girl once in awhile, it doesnt matter if it tastes bland, the effort counts. And if it tastes bland, go learn! Google it.

3. Ask for wifey's opinion and listen to her. Well you better start getting used to teamwork. Adam and Eve ate that apple, thatz teamwork right there! What if Adam refused to eat the apple? Maybe Eve would have sewn garments for herself and laughed at Adam, "Yo Adam, go put some clothes on, u r swinging all over the place!" U can imagine the argument.

4. Not be too demanding. If she can't cook, teach her, if you don't know how to cook either, then hush it. She aint ur mum, so don't expect mama put everyday! Patience is a virtue alien to most men. Think like an Arsenal fan, don't be expecting trophies like a Man U or Barcelona fan all the time. Patience, hope and faith, that should be your motto. She'll get better. Go Arsenal!

5. Respect his woman. She is not a man, so don't treat her like one of your guys. Cut out the crass talk and soft yabs. You wouldn't like if it another dude talked to her anyhow, so watch your tone with her. Being a man means backing down from an unnecessary argument, making peace even if she started it, apologizing when you are wrong, accepting her imperfections and admitting your own weaknesses. In my opinion, it takes a king to know how to treat a woman like a queen, if you treat your girlfriend like trash, take a close look at the mirror, you'll most likely see a laborer or a tout staring back at you.

I'm sure you must be wondering if I've been brainwashed by some girl or under the influence of Tequilla (lol). I don't know if I'm a good boyfriend or not, I dey try sha. To be sincere, I just think communication is key for any relationship, intimate or platonic. Give more and expect less in return, and you just might stumble on happiness. I don't solicit for comments, but to all those who read this blog, let me know what you think, drop a comment. And feel free to share the blog/article, my views may be ridiculed by others, but who cares...Hakuna Matata!


  1. Hakuna Matata....u ve said it all, Dude. I hope the guys that read this, learn that money spraying is not everything. I can only wonder when guys would really get that part.

  2. Obaro Stivy BacohonOctober 3, 2011 at 7:44 PM

    Nice piece lakeside. didn't kno yu had it in yu

  3. Tear drops are falling out of my eyes.. Your sincerity and generosity of heart is admirable and that's what I love about you..

  4. lolll. love the Arsenal comment. come i need to write essays for grad school ooo. save some english for me.

  5. well said!!...5 stars

  6. iLove it. So so true and if only every guy would try and adhere to these basics *sigh*

  7. Meckzy, you got me thinking.
    Nice piece!
    Sure, ur mumu don grow!lol

  8. AAaaw this is a very lovely post

  9. well written... bravo!!! point number three i hilarious... yo adam go put some... rotflmao

  10. Beautiful. Damn.

  11. Passionately written...literally lol @ arsenal analogy abi na metaphor!

  12. Funny and very, very well said bros. I respect.

  13. Good trial, bro. Have always thought guys needed to rethink their perception about how best to treat ladies. But ladies sef no dey try sha, some ladies could make the good guy look like MUMU. Good direction to go though.