Thursday, October 4, 2012

Satires & Dreams: The Debate (Part 1)


The moderator cleared his throat noisily, adjusted his bow-time, patted down his well-kept afro and repositioned his geeky spectacles perched on the tip of his nose. "My swagga dey too gbaski", he hummed to himself. Noticing that the studio felt rather 'quiet', he looked up and mumbled, "Emmm...Are we on air". The frantic gestures of the camera man snapped him back to reality, he switched on his Denzel Washington mega watt smile, replacing the smirk he had on his face while switching to his polished Channel O accent...

"Good evening ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the show and thanks for tuning into this year's presidential debate. Let me remind you that this is the final chapter in our debate series, previously we had gathered all the opposition party leaders to debate and you our faithful viewers picked the winner to challenge our beloved President. We move at the speed of light so without any hesitation allow me to introduce our first contestant..."

Moderator flashes another Denzel smile, shuffles a few papers on his table and reads off the accomplishments rapidly...

"The leader of the opposition party is a fire-brigade, well-spoken, Havard educated young man with a vision to restore the economy of our country to the standard our colonialists envisioned. He is the last man standing from the previous debates and I can tell that he is fired up and roaring to go. Please welcome Mr Razaq Amabo..."

Cameras pan to an immaculately dressed young man in a 2 piece double breasted black suit, he flashed a smile and waved as he assumed his place at the podium.

" And finally, the man we have been waiting for, the one and only, most learned, most respected, ever vigilant, ever active, ever progressive, most loving President in the world. He doesn't need any introduction, he has walked into our hearts navigating from a boy born with no shoes to a man in Louis V, please join me as we stand and welcome our leader, President Joe-Swagga Lucky..."

Cameras pan to the President as he walks on stage, flanked by 4 mean looking samurai-type bodyguards. The President is dressed in a dark colored french suit and as he walks majestically to the podium, the moderator prostrates flat on the ground in greeting, smiling and mumbling "good evening sir" repeatedly. Razaq Amabo looks at the spectacle before him in mild bewilderment and disgust and shakes his head.

After the commotion had died down, the moderator now back to his normal charming self, launches into the rules of the debate. The opposition party leader must answer each question first, he says and then the President follows up with his answer. Razaq objected at the unfairness of the rules since it favored the President, but he was hushed by one of the samurai bodyguards who glared at him. President Joe-Swagga was relaxed all through, beaming smiles at the camera, "go on my boy", he said to the moderator.

Then the debate started:
Question 1: How do you propose to fix the economy

Razaq Amabo: Let me be clear, we'll start by trimming the federal expenditure and cutting down the budget and expenses going down the drain in supporting our bloated government officials. We have to tackle this issue from the root, we can't create jobs if the people in charge are not transparent, I plan to ...

Moderator interrupts Razaq in mid-speech, smiling while yelling "time up"

Razaq Amabo: But I have'nt spent a minute, I'm still trying to answer the question.

Moderator: Your time is up sir, please give our President chance to address the issues you raised.

Razaq Amabo: Mr Moderator, I have a feeling that your actions are biased, I don't...

Moderator cuts in angrily...

"Abeg no dey insult me, na you dey pay my salary?"

Turning to the cameras again, he smiled and announced:
"Now, let's hear from our beloved leader".

President Joe-Swagga clears his throat, glances around, almost as if he was unsure of his surroundings, "eh, what was the question again?" he queried.

Moderator: How do you propose to take care of your people sir?

President Joe-Swagga: Simple, everything Mr Razaq said. Plus, I just spoke to the President of Apple, Mr Steve Jobs and my people have been working on a new patent with him, we are going to create 1 million jobs when we release our new technology in this country.

One of the bodyguards walks over to the President and whispers for a few seconds in his ears...

President Joe-Swagga: I've just been informed that Steve passed away. May his soul rest in peace. I hereby declare tomorrow as public holiday in his honor.

Moderator: So what is this new technology, Mr President

President Joe-Swagga: Well, we are going to release the BBi-Phone 7, a new iPhone with BBM pin so you can ping your friends as you vote. My government will be giving out a new BBi-Phone7 to our 'loyal' supporters at the polling booth on election day...

Moderator (looking at the screen in excitement): What! Oseeeeeee!!! People, you know who to vote for! Swagga for life!

Razaq Amabo (angrily): This is preposterous!

To be continued...

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