Wednesday, December 5, 2012

The Adam & Eve series: Random observations

Okay, I could not settle on an apt description for many reasons. I am not a psychologist, so I can't offer advice and tell you exactly how men or women think. I'm not married (yet), so I can't offer you marriage tips or relationship advice either. I try to learn as much as I can to get better, sometimes it gets a little blurry trying to filter through all the info. However, I've observed a few traits over the years and I'm trying to reconcile it with my behavior (I'm not your 'regular' dude, lol. I can be unconventional most of the time). Feel free to offer your perspective/critique to any points raised.

Random observations:
1. Most men are logical thinkers, most women are emotional thinkers

Note the emphasis on 'most', there are always exceptions to every rule. In order not to sound repetitive, when I say 'men/women', I'm actually referring to 'most men/women'

The way men and women are wired is different, I don't think you need a shrink to tell you that. When I say 'logical', I don't mean Socrates or Plato. Simply put, a man's thinking is ruled by figures, facts and numbers. There is barely any room for romanticism in thought, emotions are sacrificed on the altar of practicality and feasibility. Women on the other hand often yield to the allure of dreams. The funny thing I've observed however is that beneath all the emotions, women are equally logical, they explore the figures, numbers and facts but sprinkle in a little measure of dreams and extra imagination.

Let me paint a little picture for you, when a man thinks/plans his wedding, all he visualizes is the budget and logistics involved and sometimes life afterwards. There's no room for anything else. A woman 'dreams' about her wedding years before it approaches, so when she eventually starts planning for it, she considers the logical aspect, but she just doesn't abandon years of dreaming overnight, so dreams and logic/practicality merge till she tries to find a balance.

Why is this important? Simple, it can lead to a misunderstanding. The man thinks his wife isn't being practical and basically 'ignores' her dreams. The woman thinks her husband isn't being understanding, after all, refusing to even consider what she wants (no matter how illogical it may sound) indicates that he doesn't care about her opinion. Which raises one question, does it mean men are not emotional? Let's tackle observation number 2a and 2b.

2a. Men have short memories, women don't
2b. Women like to discuss issues, men don't.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that women like to talk and men are meek gentle creatures, lol. So a man and his wife have a simple misunderstanding, maybe a heated argument or just a difference in opinion or unresolved topic. Egos may have been bruised, voices raised, emotions and feelings hurt by careless words thrown around in the heat of the argument. Hours later, the man asks the woman if everything is okay and she says those golden words "I'm fine, there's no problem". The man in his naivety (lol) goes about life, oblivious to the storm (or in some cases, he chooses not to push). The truth is simple, when a woman's feelings have been hurt, she doesn't just forget it, she needs to 'discuss' it. Maybe it is because women are emotional, who knows? A man's mind is structured in compartments, men box up their emotions pretty quickly and forget about it, 30 minutes after the argument, the man barely remembers. Now don't get it twisted, men feel hurt too but it lasts for the duration of the argument. That's why you probably don't hear that 2 men have been quarreling for days, it is normally settled immediately. But when a woman's emotions are hurt, she bleeds slowly.

Then it gets worse, the man observes that the woman is acting different, and just because she says "I'm fine", he doesn't say a word. Don't blame the man sha, most men take words very literally, if you tell a man you are fine, then you are fine, that's logical, go back to point number 1. So the man notices that the woman isn't smiling or happy, but because her words imply that she is ok, he ignores his emotional heart and follows his logical head (lol, ego and pride). So when the woman eventually tells the man, "we have to talk", and raises the issue all over again, the man gets defensive, the woman feels unheard, the man feels misunderstood and the story continues...

"Tony and Cynthia just had a misunderstanding while discussing their future wedding. Tony feels Cynthia is not being practical with her expectations, Cynthia feels Tony isn't listening to her opinions.

2 hours later:
Tony: Is everthing alright?
Cynthia: I'm fine.

6 hours later:
Cynthia: We need to talk about this wedding
Tony: Shebi, you said you were okay?
Cynthia: Do I look like I'm happy?
Tony: How am I supposed to know?
Cynthia: If you need to be told all the time, then I'm not going to tell you, sometimes you need to push
Tony: Do I look like a mind reader?
The saga continues...(Why does "Sorry" seem to be the hardest word?)

One of the key ingredients of a healthy relationship is excellent communication. I don't subscribe to the "Think like a man" mentality ( no disrespect to Steve Harvey), not all men think the same way. Sometimes all you need to do is to change your approach based on the person you are talking to. When you talk to a child, you normally show alot of patience and understanding, why does it have to be different when you are talking to your spouse? The key word is 'understanding' before communication, understand that people think differently, that's what makes us unique.

Sadly, the reason why most relationships collapse is because of poor/zero communication, eventually the love goes cold. Communication is a 2-way street, you speak and then you listen, there's never a quick-fire solution or perfect script. I have to admit that men don't communicate as well as women (hides face) and women are more romantic than men, I really don't know why, lol.

Anyway, that's my 2 cents for today. Let me know what you think.

To my teacher and partner
Te amor, Olivia Bubble


  1. One word Mr E, SPOT-ON! ;)

  2. Very nice post. It all boils down to the "men are from Mars/women are from Venus" theory. We will never quite fully understand each other.

    However, I am completely with you on the communication thingy. Communication is very key, and I am big on that. I am not the woman who will tell a man "I'm fine". Infact, sometimes I think that I need to learn how to let things go 'cos if you don vex me so, you must hear my church mind. The good news is...once I've let it out and it's cleared up, then I'm good to go.

    All in all, definitely gotta communicate AND understand your padna!

    1. Lol @ "hear your church mind". Gospel, I concur, better let it out than boil inside.